It’s not enough to miss someone when you’re feeling alone, if you don’t miss them when you’re in great company. That’s not fair, that’s selfish.
If I knew that today would be the last time I’d see you,
I would hug you tight and pray the Lord be the keeper of your soul.
If I knew that this would be the last time you pass through this door,
I’d embrace you, kiss you, and call you back for one more.
If I knew that this would be the last time I would hear your voice,
I’d take hold of each word to be able to hear it over and over again.
If I knew this is the last time I see you, I’d tell you I love you,
and would not just assume foolishly you know it already.
Gabriel García Márquez
I wrote this a few months ago, never got around to posting it. It’s not much, but I hope you like it…
Oh good guy, I really do try. Still I am forget you-less. Good guy, you are in every layer of my memories. Far in the past, deep in today. You have spread to my future. Good guy, there are no memories in my someday. What are you doing there? You are cemented down as if there is no future without you. There is no future without you. Still I am forget you-less.
He laid in my bed like it belonged to him. Anyone other man doing that would have irritated the hell out of me. But not him. He came over to spend time with me and I was consumed with preparing to leave, taking care of logistics. He laid in my bed, occupied by his phone, smirking when I would get short with my mom. I sat on the floor researching on my computer. And he was content just being in the same room with me, even if I didn’t have a moment to look in his direction. And I realized I felt the same. I was happy just being in his proximity. I think there are few people out there who change you, make you better, by just being near. They don’t need to use words, expressions, or kisses to improve you. He’s a rare gem.
One of life’s marvelous beauties is when someone comes into your life, for a few random wonderful weeks and opens your eyes to something you couldn’t see on your own, shows you something new, teaches you a lesson you couldn’t have learned without them, changes the way you think. For that, I am so thankful. It’s bittersweet letting them go, but they served the purpose I think they were meant to serve. And actually, there’s nothing bitter about it, maybe just a fuzzy sadness due to the ambiguous loss. I’m not gone altogether, but altogether gone from their life. I will go on to follow my dreams in a different world than he, yet only a few cities apart. He’ll go on to find the right girl and, I hope, understand that our going separate ways, was for a greater, more beautiful purpose. Life’s marvelous beauties aren’t always ‘happy;’ they are raw and real and filled with uncertainty — that’s what makes them beautiful.
Tonight, I am inspired by a friend. She did something brave, uncertain, and risky. But she did it. And I am so proud of her. She’s made plans to completely change the direction of her life. She’s leaving a lot behind, but Lord, she has so much ahead of her. Maybe this change will go nowhere, maybe she’ll revert back to old ways, or maybe she’ll become the person she’s always had the potential to be. Why should I doubt her? God, all I know is that in this moment, if nothing else, she has so much hope and that inspires me.
Disregard the should do, should say, should act of the world.
Quit listening solely to your mind,
and pay your heart some attention.
If you keep on this path,
the harder your heart will become.
I’m not talking about the organ under your ribs.
I’m talking about the word we use,
that doesn’t have a definition,
doesn’t exactly exist physically.
The thing that harbors your soul and every desire.
Turn the volume up in your heart.
but do play it in sync with your mind.
Don’t be foolish, but for goodness sake, quit being cold.
Now go on, let go.
I get to run away. September 2. I’ve always wanted to run away. From problems I can’t seem to solve, people I struggle to love, my past. But mostly my happy, suburban, private college life. I get to run away. But those things don’t just get put on pause. Those things will keep moving with every passing day. And I think that’s okay. Because how I’m handling them now isn’t working. I don’t wish them away. I pray that I will receive the wisdom to resolve them with grace when I return. Well, if I return.
My life, it was going well.
Resurrected hope I felt.
Back was the spark. Alive I felt.
Like I could feel again when I thought I wouldn’t.
Then I saw you.
Everything evaporated with just your presence.
Sucked into a black, unforgiving hole.
Everything I had finally gotten back. Everything.
Like this, will it always be?
Like the ocean tide pulling the sand back in,
after finally drying off.
Intend for this, you don’t.
Innocently unaware, you are.
Intentional, you are not.
This pull on me, you don’t expect.
Which makes it all the worse.
Comparing you to him should be like
comparing day to night.
Wonderful, different things each offers.
Should is never what is.
A warm summer day, you are.
A muddy, grey day you have turned him into.
The kind that you want to stay in bed for,
sleeping until it passes.
Two hours and seats apart,
few words and looks exchanged,
and you tore him to pieces without knowing it.
A chance, that he did not stand.
With you, I can’t be happy.
Without you, either.
In the dark you will stay.
Tomorrow the black hole will close.